Disorder in a Far Dark
Just calm down. Don’t panic.
It’s a colonial cliché. Relax.
Have you tried meditation yet?
It really does work anywhere
in the solar system, you know.
She’s not that convincing.
You are still on your meds?
You know what is convincing,
though? These millions of miles
from my old security blankets?
How a false heart attack feels.
How easily you’re convinced
this is the one. Finally. Or, if not,
how the idea of crawling back
into a completely safe skin suit
causes something strange to happen
in your brain. Or waking up
having forgotten how to breathe,
as if your O2 gave up on you
out there down in a crater. Alone.
It’s a singular horror that nothing –
no doc or meds – ever fully get.
If things were a little better,
what would that look like?
Can you describe that feeling?
Yes, I say. It’s as if dying here
would be fine. As if the planet
itself wasn’t out to kill us all.